so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
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