She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
