All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
