You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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