I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize