I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
