I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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