i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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