Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
