I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm just crazy horny about you
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
