he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
