i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
