I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
jump out the window naked night went bad
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