this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
