he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize