My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
