at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Actions speak louder than pants.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
