Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
It's rum buckets o'clock
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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