this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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