you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
