2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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