Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize