I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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