just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize