at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
