The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
