Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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