Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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