I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
there is glitter all over my balls
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
