You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Randomize