Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
