Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
