Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
