saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
