I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
