We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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