he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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