Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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