I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
