I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
