Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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