my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
