Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
