grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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