yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
