Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
