I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize