Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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