did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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