He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
