I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize