I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
