I CAN MOONWALK!
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
