I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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