she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
how drunk are you?
Several
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
