theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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