So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
