You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
