im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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