Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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