i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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